I have been angry lately. Which is strange because when I do get angry I don’t stay angry. One of the very first quotes I ever read of the Buddha’s I immediately loved and I have kept it very close to my heart:
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
So for me to hold on to this anger is not like me at all, especially since the person I have been so angry at is me.
As most of you know my last relationship ended in February, although it took until around April for me to sever the ties completely. When I look back at that relationship I can’t help but wonder why I let so many of those things occur that I know are not healthy for a relationship. I allowed him to avoid confrontation and arguments when I know that any relationship needs complete honesty and confrontation in order to survive. I allowed him to nickel and dime me to death and poison our relationship with his pettiness in money issues without saying a word for months. Why did I do this, among other things, for months, until I just exploded? By this time outsiders had noticed, causing me unbelievabe embarrassment as well as causing a major change in the dynamic of our relationship.
I could make many excuses. The truth is I don’t know why. For months now I have beaten myself up over this and wondered why I would allow this behavior when I myself preach to never allow such things. Was it great sex? Me going through a tough time with my job and really needing someone? It doesn’t matter now. What does matter is that I recognize this behavior, have corrected it, and am moving forward. Most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I have stopped beating myself up for allowing those things to happen. I won’t say I made a mistake with the relationship because I we did care very much for each other. However, I believe that had I been more like myself the relationship would not have lasted as long.
In my state of forgiving myself I have remembered what I tell my sister when she seeks my advice. It’s okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and don’t keep repeating them.
Still Rockin’ It