The Strength of Family…Even the Dysfunctional Ones

I love my family. I really do. Even as messed up as we all are, I love the whole lot of them. If anyone ever tells you their family isn’t dysfunctional in any way, they’re lying. They may say their family is perfect because, to them, it very well may be. I have yet to reach perfection (in my family, at least ) but the strength I draw from my family is immeasurable.

I am utterly amazed at what a small child can bring to one’s life. The laughter, the sorrow, the joy, the worry, the frustration, and, of course, the unconditional love. Love so overwhelming that sometimes it just washes over me and overwhelms me. Some days it is so strong that I just have to sit and be in the moment with it, appreciate it, be present with it. Some days I can’t get close enough to that little guy; I just can’t hug him enough, hold him close enough. Some days I just want to run away from home. Some days I wonder if I’m good enough for this, if I’m failing as a mom. Some days I’m just numb. But then the little guy just lights up the room with his adorable self and will give me a good belly laugh with what comes out of his mouth. Like last night:

“Mom, I have a dad, a mom, and a step mom. Why don’t I have a step dad? It’s really not that hard. (Remember his dad lives out of state) You just go out of the state, look around and get married. Why do YOU find it so hard?”

Recently, I have starting to rebuild the relationship with my father. I was so nervous at first and took very small baby steps. First emails, then a face-to-face meeting, then breakfast. I have no intention of rehashing the past; that is gone and all is forgiven. Life is about living in the present moment and looking forward. I also know to manage my expectations with my father, I always have. But something amazing happened. Life happened along the way. Not only have I grown and matured during these years of not speaking to him but, dare I say, he has grown and matured (and mellowed) during these years.

My father is no longer as antagonistic as he used to be. He is accepting of the spiritual path I have chosen. Years ago, he would have berated me constantly about it. And, most importantly, nothing brought him greater joy than meeting his grandson for the first time. He seemed giddy at our breakfast and brought a bag full of toys for him. Last weekend at my father’s house we didn’t want to leave. What an unexpected surprise! He has gone out of his way to get to know his grandson so that I could have family support here in town for the first time ever. When I read his email offering that I cried. This is not the same man I grew up with.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. What would I have missed had I not invited my father back into my life? Back into our life? I am so thankful that I opened my heart to this man and let him into my life again. For the first ever, all of my siblings and I will be together with my dad at Thanksgiving. This is truly something to be thankful for.

Still Rockin’ It
Scarlet Mom