My New Soulmates…Bitches in the Burbs

OMFG I love these bitches. They make me laugh and I think we were separated at birth. Why do I think this? Bitches in the Burbs did a guest blog for All Fooked Up and this is what they wrote. It’s f*cking genius.

Fuck off if:

* You don’t put your cart away after you put your sh*t in your car. How f*cking lazy do you have to be if you can’t walk three parking spaces, push your cart inside the stall, and be on your way. When I try to pull into a parking spot and can’t, because some lazy *sshole who probably needs the exercise left their cart sitting there, I want to stab someone. Put. Your. Cart. Away.
* You are a size 0 and constantly complain about how fat you are. Newsflash, “Annie,” nobody wants to hear an overweight person complain, so to hear you do it is like nails on a chalkboard. I would love to hold you down and shove cheeseburger after cheeseburger down your throat and watch you weigh yourself the next morning. Yes. That would make me very happy.
* Free WiFi gets you so excited, you feel the need to occupy an entire table meant for a large group for yourself and your lovely companion, the laptop. Yes, I know that free WiFi can cause some people to orgasm profusely, but come on, go take a small table in the back. I’ve got kids who need to eat you mothaf*cka!!!!!
* You don’t laugh at Modern Family, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Seriously, you need to get your head examined. These shows are funny as sh*t. You obviously have no sense of humor. At all.
* You look at me the wrong way. Really, you don’t want to go there. I’m the queen of b*tchy looks, and can take you down in 2 seconds flat. Bottom line.
* You have a swear jar. OMFG. Who does this? If you do, you suck donkey balls. You would also be rich if you lived in my house!
* I’m in line with bread and milk, you’ve got a weeks worth of groceries, and you don’t let me go in front of you. Who the f*ck raised you, you selfish SOB???
* You ask me a question, I begin to respond, and you f*cking interrupt me with a story about yourself. Ummm…if I wanted to know about you, I would have been the one asking in the first place. AND if you don’t give a crap about what I have to say, don’t ask? JFC!
* You don’t let your kids watch anything over G rated movies and they’re 12. Do you want your kids to get the sh*t kicked outta them?
* You have no balls. Seriously. If you have something to say to someone, say it to their face. It WILL get back to them eventually. I can promise you that. PROMISE. Own what you say, and have the facts to support it. If you don’t, keep your f*cking mouth shut.
* You mess with my kids. Don’t even go there. You don’t wanna see what I turn into. They are my world. I would do ANYTHING for them. Don’t test me, you won’t like the results.

I love you, bitches!!

Still Rockin’ It!!
Scarlet Mom