Special back to school issue of Penthouse…circa 1982

A friend of mine found this in her attic and it is hilarious. The first thing I noticed was the blush. The amount that Morgan Fairchild applied in 1982 was enough to last her until today…30 years later. I’m horrified to think that I probably wore that much, too. I also had that Texas hair. Mortified. Appalled. Nauseated. These are words that come to mind.

The next thing I noticed were the ads. 14 ads for cigarettes. 14 ads for booze. I guess back then we just didn’t give a shit. There was also an ad for Vivarin. I long for the days when we could pop a handful of caffeine pills, have an heart attack or stroke, and no one got sued. Those were the days.

Next came the pictures. Holy mother of god. Anyone watch any porn in the 80s? Nobody shaves. Not only do these people not shave but they don’t even trim. What.the.fuck? Who fucked these people? One of the first things I cover in my book is grooming:

Men, do you manscape? If you don’t then you need to start. Ladies, what about you? Are you neatly trimmed? Shaved perhaps? Again, the 70s porn look is out. It has been for years. Turn on a recent porn and you will see no pubic hair at all. None. The rule of thumb is, if you want it sucked or licked, trim it.

Unfortunately, Ms. Fairchild did not pose in the nude. She did five shots with Eric Estrada for some back-to-school clothing looks. I cry “foul” and say false advertising, Penthouse.

The most glaring thing in this “back to school” Penthouse was the absence of the Internet. Porn was available but only if you ordered it on Videocassette. And “For Those Who Dare” and others who wanted “sexual aids” you could order (what we now call) sex toys, vibrators, dildos, ticklers, etc. There were also free “sex books” to help men pick up and have sex with women. What a wonderful gift the Internet has been! It has brought sex out of the closet and out of the dark ages and made it main stream and fun. It made sex okay to be talked about between partners and between friends. How…evolved.

The absolute best ad in the entire magazine was this one:

Still Rockin’ It
Scarlet Mom

fold-left fold-right
About the author
I am a single mom & author. I write about dating, sexuality, health, parenting, and trying to have it all. My new book, "Evolve or Die Single," is a must-read for single men & women...it even has some sizzling tips for couples.

Comments are closed.