Do you have references?

If you’re single or if you have read my book then you know about must-haves and deal breakers. One of my absolute must-haves is being a good lover. On a first date, I tend to chat up my dates about parenting, politics, religion, and health/workout habits to see if we are in the same stratosphere and if we could possibly have a relationship. Politics and religion can be different as long as he is open-minded and can carry on an intelligent, smear-free debate. In fact, I prefer a slight difference to spice things up a bit. So why am I not allowed to breach the subject of sex on a first date? I want to know what he brings to the table. What is his repertoire? Can he provide references to back up his story of being a sizzling hot lover?

There is nothing worse than getting to know someone, really starting to like them, having the relationship progress, getting into bed, and having the relationship, having him, fall flat on his…uhm…face. A relationship cannot survive without a good sex life and, at 44, I don’t want to settle for good; I want sizzling hot. And I’m not alone.

Many women talk about, complain about, this. Maryjane Fahey, the co-author of Dumped, had this to say in her article NO Sex = NO Relationship:

I will never buy into NOT thinking of myself as a sexual being with the person I am with again. It makes you feel lousy… that simple. You feel undesirable. You stop caring for yourself. You buy into it. But the fact is, you DESERVE a sex life IN your partnership and…elsewhere.

And not banal sex. Not “dutiful” sex… I’m talking TOTAL HOT ABANDONED sex.

So why not push through it? Try to teach him? If we were talking about a man in his late 20s or early 30s, then I would lock the doors and turn off my phone for a week. Men in their late 20s are eager to learn and even more hungry to please women. Now, take a man in his 40s or 50s who still can’t find the clitoris and doesn’t know, or worse, doesn’t care about giving a woman a toe-curling orgasm…he is unteachable. He doesn’t want to learn and doesn’t care. He has never taken the time to communicate with any of his many partners over the years. Perhaps they have tried to communicate with him and either he has shut down or blown them off. Bottom line: he sucks in bed and I’m dumping his ass. Never again will I settle for a sexless or pathetic-in-the-bedroom relationship. N E V E R !!!!!!

How do you handle this in the dating world? I would love to hear about it.

Still Rockin’ It
Scarlet Mom

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About the author
I am a single mom & author. I write about dating, sexuality, health, parenting, and trying to have it all. My new book, "Evolve or Die Single," is a must-read for single men & women...it even has some sizzling tips for couples.

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