All posts in Dating Life of a Single Mom

Remember the old adage “All the good men are either married or gay?” Well, it’s dead-on right. Did an entire generation of mothers fail us miserably? Were they unable to raise amazing, wonderful sons who know how to treat a woman? Or is it society’s fault? Is it the fault of the current generation of women who let these men get away with murder and become so…unacceptable?

I am taking a hiatus from dating. I can’t take any more bad dates and pathetic men. I asked around and got some unbelievable first date stories. Some of these belong to me; some to friends.

The date whose breath was so bad you could barely stand to talk to him. To top it off, he berates you all night because of your hair cut and your parking choice.

The date who asks if you want will pay for dinner because he has no money. (Sadly, I got a lot of these stories. This has happened to me too many times only because they are just cheap.)

The date who asks for someone else’s phone number while on a date with you. I also had a date invite some hooker-looking “ladies” to join us at the bar. He was classy.

A guy friend told me his date wasn’t working out so he politely told the girl. She became very upset and starting asking what was wrong with her. She then started asking him if he had any friends he could set her up with. Wow.

The endless dates that you leave (running out the back) because they are so boring, whiny, smelly, ungroomed, dressed like a hooker, too touchy, or start kissing on you within thirty minutes. Yuck.

Let’s not forget on-line dating and dating services. Dates that are 30 pounds heavier than their picture, 20 years older than their picture, or 25 years older than they’re supposed to be. It’s never ending.

I went to training with a guy who had no skills when it came to women. He had been married for twenty-something years and was a complete buffoon. He would walk through doors and let them slam closed on women behind him; he refused to bring the car around and pick others up in the rain. First of all, how could his wife allow this? Shame on her. Second, there is no excuse. Every one of us has the opportunity to educate and better ourselves and be a polite, contributing member of society.

I put off writing this blog because I was having trouble coming up with the words to describe the man that I was looking for without sounding like a complete bitch. But Single Dad Laughing blogged those words beautifully today. He was talking about dads but his words translate perfectly for all men, for Real Men. So I quote Single Dad Laughing in order to define a Real Man:

And while level of income will never define a man, level of dedication to the betterment of living for one’s family most certainly will.

There is no doubt that it is the duty of a man to provide for his family. A real man never questions this, and he never does anything less than what it takes to keep a roof over his family’s heads and food spread across his family’s table.

Real men don’t slack off or sit idly by. A real man is never content giving less than his all to his job and to his career. He is never content pushing for anything less than advancement in his position and increase in his fiscal situation.

He certainly doesn’t find happiness not working, sucking the system dry, freeloading government assistance while he does little or nothing to improve his, or his family’s situation.

A real man is also never content sitting home, ushering his wife out the door each day to go fight and fend for the family’s needs.

A real man does not hide behind a lack of education, lack of skill, or self-declared lack of ability. He doesn’t sit home, halfheartedly attempting to find employment, hiding behind the headlines of bad economies, tough hiring situations, or refusing to take jobs that are “below” his dignity. He doesn’t love the concept of unemployment income more than he loves the satisfaction that comes from bringing home a paycheck to his family each month.

He also doesn’t expect the world to hand him success or abundance on a silver platter. He understands that nothing worthwhile in life comes easy or free, and that even though he can’t always give his family a better life as soon as the following day or even the following year, over time, he does have the ability.

Real men are ambitious and they are motivated; they rise from whatever level they currently find themselves, and they always work to attain that next step up. A real man doesn’t permit himself to believe he’s forever trapped in a system or an income that he unmistakably knows he could improve.

If it’s education he lacks, he finds a way to become educated. He reads books, he takes courses, he watches programs, and he studies new tasks and techniques pertinent to his advancement in whatever medium to which he has access. For some, attaining formal schooling and degrees is the obvious or chosen path. For others, it’s ten daily minutes, learning whatever he can. Some men will make advancements over weeks or months. Others will take much longer. The speed does not matter. Only the effort, and only the direction.

If skill is the ultimate killer of opportunity, real men work to develop whatever skills they currently lack. They aren’t satisfied letting advancements in technology render their abilities obsolete, nor do they linger idly as they are cast to the bottom of the employee food chain. They aren’t content leaving behind bigger or better job opportunities simply because those who know different skills are more easily able to land such jobs. Instead, they learn what needs to be learned. They ask for help. They work extra hours without pay, if they must, shadowing others to gain the skills they desperately need.

Furthermore, a real man never declares himself as one who lacks ability. He refuses to declare that he is too unintelligent, too unable, or too incompetent. While some goals are more difficult to obtain, he believes that those goals are still free to be reached by any and all who will put in the proper work and sufficient time to do so.

Some men dream big. Some men dream small. Any man who dreams at all brings great things to his family and those around him. Real men are always numbered in this crowd.

I believe real men possess at least 12 traits: Honesty, The Ability to Protect, Motivation, Belief in You, Sense of Humor, Reliability, Commitment, Respect, Able to Provide, Attractiveness, Assertiveness, Leadership.

I believe in real men. I believe they are out there. I believe my real man will find me one day.

Still Rockin’ It
Scarlet Mom

How well do we really know the people in our life? Aren’t we all just actors playing a role hoping others will believe how happy and comfortable we are with our lives? If you are in the dating world, this is even more true.

How long does it take for you to be the real “you” with a new boyfriend or girlfriend? On a date, we are on our absolute best behavior. We take a shower, fix our hair, groom and groom some more, and wear the clothes that make us look our best. We might even buy a new outfit for the occasion if this man or woman is really special. We sit up straight, try to be funny, and cringe if we say something stupid. “Oh shit. Why did I say that? What will he or she think? Be cool. Be cool.” Bottom line…dating sucks.

I always wonder, “How much of what this guy is feeding me is complete bullshit?” As most of you know and most of my good friends know, I go through men as fast as I go through a tank of gas. Most of them are shallow, pathetic, cheap, boring, uncultured, rude, and not worth the oxygen they breathe (did I forget anything?). If they get past the first date, which is only one drink, they are usually gone within a week. Once I weed through their lies it’s gone time. Adios amigo.

We are actors in everyday life, too. We want our friends to see us as having our act together and being happy. How many of us have been shocked when the happiest of our couple friends has announced they are divorcing? Their acting was flawless in front of the world. No one ever knew how miserable their marriage was. But behind their curtain of misery the marriage was crumbling. The time finally came when they could no longer act; the gloves came off, the walls came down. It was time to feel.

One of my dear friends is just starting to go through a very hurtful divorce (aren’t they all?) because of a cheating spouse. She commented that she looked forward to the day when she was at the place I am in my life. I told her to be cautious of how things look from a distance. From a distance, you see me and my life as I have staged it (which mostly is true): a single mom who has it all together. True, I am happy, have my sweet little guy and our perfect little family. But make no bones about it – divorce is tragic and divorce is sad. I do not in any way want my ex back, but there are days when I still mourn for the loss of my marriage. It is the loss of the family unit. The little guy will never again have his family whole again. I can think of nothing in this world that is more tragic. There are days when my guilt over this is almost unbearable. But I pick myself up, know that in the big scheme of things I made the right decision, and move on. I am making an amazing life for us and this is a good thing. Life is truly good and it keeps getting better.

And better it gets. Last week I met Jim Simpson. Jim seems different. One drink turned into a bottle of wine and appetizers…and a second date. And tonight, a third. It’s been over a week and I’m not inclined to run for the hills and hey, I haven’t caught him in any lies. In fact, we talk about all the bullshit of dating which includes the ridiculous lies people tell. They lie about their name, their livelihood, where they are in their career, kids, exes…you name it, they lie about it. This post was his idea. So Jim (if that is even your real name) this is for you. Here’s to another great week!!

Still Rockin’ It
Scarlet Mom

My weekend date is under my belt and it was a smashing success. It almost didn’t happen due to babysitter issues but we pulled it off. Last week’s lunch date with another suitor had to be postponed due to my usual sitter having strep. Doesn’t she know the importance of my dating life? Geez.

Last night’s date was with…let’s call him RJ. Tall, fit, professional and a few years older than me. Good so far. He’s also a fellow Canadian. Even better. We share a lot of the same tastes and interests. I like his diverse taste in music. His tastes are even more diverse than mine so I like the fact that we can explore that together. And the greatest thing about him…the fact that he cooks!! Yes ladies, the man cooks. And he cooks indoors, not just on a grill. Add to that the fact that he has taught his kids how to cook and they spend quality time cooking together…and they cook healthy meals. The man gets a gold star!! I have blogged and preached until I’m blue in the face about teaching your kids about healthy eating habits. I like that we share this philosophy. Our date ended with dinner because my babysitter had to be home by 11:30pm, which meant so did I. The date was going so well that four hours just flew by which was unfortunate because we wanted to stay out even longer. We shared a very nice kiss good night and I was on my way (we met at the restaurant. I don’t let people know where I live until quite a few dates along and it takes much, much longer for them to meet my son). Face it ladies, we make a decision very early on about whether or not we’re going to sleep with someone. If it’s no, he’s toast. If it’s yes, he has to screw it up pretty badly to be kicked to the curb. It may not happen today, but at some point you have made up your mind that it’s going to happen. How long does it take you to make that decision? Ten minutes? One date? I believe the average woman makes that decision within the first 10 minutes.

At this stage in my life, being single and out on my own is not what I want or where I see myself staying. I want to find that someone special, settle down, and get married. But then I look at a lot of my friends in miserable marriages and remember back to my marriage, and realize that I never want to be back there, in that exact spot, again. Yet some of them look at me and wish they could be single again, back out in the dating scene, having fun, experiencing those first date jitters, those butterflies in your stomach, and the undeniable passion of a new romance. Do we always feel envy for what we don’t have or can we truly find happiness in what we do have?

I believe we can find happiness in what we have. It’s why I have become so unbelievably picky about the men I date. It’s why I find it so important to glean from every relationship I have; to make a mental list of things that I cannot live without and things that I will not ever tolerate again. I guess I’m trying to build the perfect relationship. I have learned so much about myself along the way and I have grown, and continue to grow, every day. I’m not the same woman my ex-husband married nor am I the same woman I was when I entered into my last long-term relationship. I believe, and hope, that I have changed for the better. I hope that when I do meet Mr. Right, that not only will he fulfill my “perfect relationship” parameters but that I will fulfill his.

Still Rockin’ It
Scarlet Mom